The Top 10 Dumbest Events and People in 2008 - Part One

If you were to tell me at the beginning of the year that a black man with a shitty last name would ascend to the Oval Office, that Eli Manning would produce one of the greatest upsets in NFL history late in the fourth quarter against the Perfect Patriots in Glendale, AZ, that the Tampa Bay Rays would be the AL Champions and that the Republicans could produce a candidate dumber than both Dan Quayle and George Bush Jr., I would have looked at you like you were high on weed and blow.

All of that happened this year. Shit.

For all of the amazing moments that occured, there was a fair amount of jaw-dropping stupidity and WTF moments galore, so here's my list of the dumbest things to come out of 2008.

1. Joe the Plumber - How do you try and win over the voters of America amidst an economic meltdown of historic proportions and a desire for a change in Washington D.C.? If you're Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain, you'd probably trot out some symbol to rally the ignorant masses of redneck America and con a few independent voters into buying the symbol of the everyday American. How did this man end up as my pick for the dumbest thing to come out of the crazy year that was 2008?

First - within 24 hours of John McCain toting out Joe the Plumber at the third presidential debate, we learned that Joe wasn't really a plumber; never applied for either a plumbing license, or a apprenticeship license. Hell, his name wasn't actually Joe (his real name is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher).

Second - despite the fact that Joe was nothing but a false symbol for McCain to trot out for the debate, the campaign still made Joe into this larger-than-life caricature/rallying cry for idiot America. They even made an ad using the famous "I am Spartacus!" phrase from Ben-Hur, with the cry of "I am Joe the Plumber!" to reel in voters. More to the point, the latest smoke-and-mirrors job the GOP pulled just goes to show that in this country, after eight years of lies and manipulations from Bush & Co., there's still a sucker born every minute.

2. The Wall Street/Economic Crisis - After the disasters in Iraq and New Orleans, after the shameful reports of torturing suspected terrorist detainees at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, after the shocking abuses of power ranging from the nine fired U.S. Attorneys becasue they refused to be loyal to Clueless George to the NSA Wiretapping program, we didn't think this walking disaster we had to call "Mr. President" for eight years had one more giant fuck-up in him before he rode off back to the ranch in Crawford. As it turns out, he did. Our economy is in freefall, many thanks to the billions spent in fighting a meaningless war in the Middle East and Bush's 'brilliant' idea of handing out tax breaks to the wealthiest 1% of Americans. Heck of a job, Bushie!

3. Sarah Palin - To state that the Governor of Alaska is the dumbest person to be chosen as a party's running mate since Dan Quayle, would be an insult to Dan Quayle himself. John McCain's selection of Palin can be described in football terms: his hailmary pass down the endzone was throw perfectly, but the ball was knocked out of the receivers hands by the safety. We all know why this woman makes the list: the interviews she gave to Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric, her performance at the VP Debate with Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden, her shocking ignorance of the role of the Vice President, and the fact that she loves killing animals atop of a helicopter, using a high-powered rifle. The selection of Sarah Palin also outlines the complete and total cynicism dripping from the GOP: prop up a knuckle-dragging foot soldier for the extreme base of the party name, dress its puppet up as either good ol' holmetown boy or gal, and just for good measure, make the candidate of choice sound simple and stupid, and the American citizen will lap it up.

4. The Jonas Brothers - Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ Almighty! Please people, quit referring the Jonas Brothers as band! They're not a fucking band, they're just product placement from Walt Disney. Real bands like Radiohead and Coldplay and Death Cab For Cutie have the following ingredients: talent (Death Cab), a sound that, although borrowed or inspired from other bands, is entirely their own (Coldplay), and strives to put out albums that are are as good, if not better, than their predecessor (Radiohead). The Jonas Brothers have none of these ingredients. They're just teeny-bopper magnets designed to suck out a twelve year old's allowance and suck out money from the ATM of mom and dad through the middle school girls of America. Where's John Lennon, Tupac and Johnny Cash when we need them the most?

5. Sandy Alderson (C.E.O., Padres) and A.J. Smith (Chargers General Manager) - what could these three geniuses have in common? Both have taken the home team Padres and Chargers from competitive playoff bound teams to a bunch of overrated athletes and ghastly, embarrassing seasons we wish, as San Diego sports fans, could forget. Both men have made boneheaded moves when it came to coaching a team.

In the case of Alderson, it was when he fired fmr. Friars skipper Bruce Bochy because he told Sandy to but out when it came to managing his team. As soon as San Diego was bounced out of the postseason to the soon-to-be World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals in four games, Bruce was told to hit the road and brought in a yes-man in Bud Black.

With A.J. Smith, his ego fits with then Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer reached a fever pitch after San Diego lost a heartbreaker to no. 4 seed New England in the AFC Divisional Playoff game when Marty wanted to bring in his brother to replace Wade Philips as Defensive Coordinator instead of the awful Ted Cottrell. Marty was sacked in January of '07, and brought in a head coach who A.J. could play nice with: Norv Turner.

These two will soon share another similarity if they don't get their respective teams back on track: spots in the unemployment line.