There's no escaping this reality. And since we'll be engulfed in that world, I decided to pop my Twilight cherry and watch the film on You Tube.
That's right. I was a Twilight-virgin. Before watching the first movie, my only knowledge of the Twilight franchise were the following:
A.) Girls loved the books and the movie (it grossed $191 million in 2008).
B.) Guys loathed it.
C.) It was based on the best-selling vampire novels written by Stephanie Meyers.
D.) Pattinson, who's biggest role before playing Edward was Hogwarts co-champion Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire became the object of every American teenage girl's desires afterward.
At some point though the film, when young Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) learns that the mysterious and handsome Edward Cullen (Pattinson) is a vegetarian vampire (instead of feasting on humans, they hunt animal blood; think Bruce and his shark chums in Finding Nemo), and that her scent makes his mouth water for her flesh, Edward utters the words i'm sure every hopelessly romantic girl longs to hear from their Prince Charming (or Edward in this case): "Your like my own personal brand of heroin."
I have never laughed that hard because of a movie line before...and i've watched The 40 Year-Old Virgin, American Pie, and other time capsule comedies. Unknowingly to me, that would be the only time I would get a rise out of Twilight. I fully understand this franchise is nothing more than a pop-culture product of the moment and that this is not supposed to be catered to people like me. But I cannot forgive just how dreadfully boring and shamelessly cliched the film is.
In Twilight, everyone sulks. The kids sulk at school and on the beach. The divorced father sulks while on the job and at the local diner. Even the vampires sulk. Now i've done my share of teenage sulking and angst, but i've found ways to snap out of it and enjoy my imperfect life, but this level of angst and moping was really unbelievable. You debate to yourself who's more alive: the vampires or the townspeople, but I guess when you live in Forks, Washington; sulking is probably the town's pastime. Swan moves to this sleepy town after mom moves with her new minor league playing boyfriend to sunny and lively Florida, after living in Arizona for most of her life (you'd think at least she'd have some sort of a golden tan, right?)I'm getting bored explaining this movie, so let me fast forward about the grizzly murders the town is witnessing because even that is about as exciting as watching paint dry (I know this a PG-13 movie, but is a showing a little blood and action too much to ask?!) and how Bella has fallen madly in love with Edward even though he wants nothing more than to have her like a fat kid pines for a double fudge chocolate cake, and let me get right to the point: Twilight successfully drags on and on like this for two hours without having one exciting moment that shakes or frightens you. And don't even get me started on the vampires playing a round of baseball.
Director Catherine Hardwicke (brilliant in her 2003 debut, Thirteen) faithfully captures the essence of Meyer's novel of young, forbidden love, which therein lies the problem: there's no spark between Stewart or Pattinson, no sense of desire or sexual want with Bella and Edward. It's just these two, along with the Cullen clan, moping and posing together like Abercrombie & Fitch models.
Go ahead. Let the teenage girls of America pay money to drool and frig themselves in the cinemas to Edward and Jacob. In fifteen years, the Twilight-craze will take its rightful place alongside High School Musical, Camp Rock, the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, Pokemon, and the emo culture in the trash bin of history; a flash-in-the pan, but with sparkling vampires.
And one other thing: Vampires do not fucking sparkle in daylight!!
* star out of ****
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